And why we don't need to look far outside of ourselves to find it
I didn't know how to find my purpose, I was a seeker my whole life long.
I sought my purpose, I sought my future partner, I sought peace, I sought freedom and I sought love.
I sought fulfillment and happiness.
I was constantly looking for something outside of myself to fulfill me.
Because I felt so darn empty inside.
I had disconnected from myself, my Soul and my true passions. I once knew what it was, but I had no way to articulate it. It was just a feeling, an inner knowing of who I was and why I'm here.
I kept filling the empty hole inside of me with things, people and experiences that ended up leaving me feeling even more empty and lost.
I didn't know I had this all wrong. I didn't need to go looking anywhere but within myself.
I had to learn to connect with me, get still and take time out to connect with those deeper parts of my Soul that held the key to all of my questions.
Maybe three years ago, I booked a zoom call with the "why guy", it was a coaching session to connect to the voice of my Soul, to remind me of the reason why I existed.
I had already done a lot of spiritual works and knew myself well. I had remembered my trauma at this point and generally knew who I was.
We tapped into my Soul through meditation and connected with my heart, and allowed it to speak through me, the words that suddenly would make a lot of sense.
"I just wanted to understand myself, and I wanted others to understand me as well." my Soul cried.
The trauma I had experienced in my childhood made me repress my memories and without those memories, I wasn't capable of understanding myself nor my feelings. When we don't understand ourselves, we cannot help our partners and friends understand us either.
We literally are left in limbo.
If we don't have an understanding of ourselves and our situations, we cannot move on. We make the same mistakes, we choose the same types of relationships with emotionally immature and unavailable partners. We seek the same patterns in relationships we had grown up with.
We try to resolve the issue and integrate the old experience through a new one. It's all we know, it is so familiar to us that we seek it out over and over again, without our knowledge. We engage in relationships with people who carry similar subconscious patterns and dynamics. Not by choice at all, but through the process of seeking safety in familiarity.
Our subconscious minds prime prerogative is to seek safety in familiarity. If its healthy or logical or not, doesn't matter to the subconscious, it doesn't think that way. It just feels, and the dysfunction feels right because it is what we know best. Our dysfunctional patterns match the other persons dysfunctional patterns.
And it all clicks like puzzle pieces, creating a greater picture of dysfunctionality.
I exist to inspire greater understanding and help you see the miracle of your true self.
I realized that the very thing I was so uncomfortable about is the very thing I should be talking and writing about. Because, if I struggled with it, others can find healing through my words. I can leave something meaningful behind for others like myself.
What I wanted more then anything, was someone who could have told me what was going on in my life, someone who understood what I was experiencing. It's the very reason why I began to listen to the whispers of my soul that brought me to the angel house and led me to create a website and begin spiritual readings and reiki therapy.
I knew I was on a healers journey. But I wanted to do more for others.
A healer is someone who is or has been healing from a trauma or injury. By the way, psychological and sexual trauma are injuries like breaking a bone, however, the bone heals within six months, the hidden injury can also heal but it won't take six months, it might be a decades long journey of discovering more about parts of yourself you had pushed away. If you found healing from your trauma in a short time, I am so happy for you, but that's not normally the case. If you haven't, I will be here writing from my Soul and help someone else in the process.
My purpose was always present with me. But I didn't see it or realize it until I was in my late thirties. It takes time to come to self realization and have greater awareness. If you haven't yet found your purposes, don't worry, you will realize your purpose in your own perfect divine timing. You don't have to find it, it will literally be revealed to you. I fully trust in that, knowing what I know today. I could have never rushed it or pushed it along faster, it all unfolded when I was mentally and emotionally ready for it.
You can't miss your purposes in life, because they are always a part of you. It is being revealed to you over your life time. The journey in itself is the purpose.
A recent article I wrote in a major publishing journal online was just promoted, I chose to write about childhood sexual abuse mainly on my elephant journal blog, you can go and check it out if you feel that inner nudge. It's about why we fear criticism so much as childhood sexual abuse survivors. There are a couple other articles I have written in the past about this subject, you can find them also on my profile here.